I just got back from visitng Sf state and I absolutely love it!! The student body is so diverse and the campus is so beautiful and the dorms are really cool looking. I am so excited to go there. Hopefully they’ll mail me my fucking ELM info though so I can! I’m kind of freaking out about that. If I don’t figure it out by tomorrow I’ll probably have a mental breakdown or something. I hate deadlines.
It has recently come to my attention that more and more girls have come to the conclusion that looking like a holocaust victim is attractive. Is this attractive to other people as well? I really don’t understand. I mean, I definitely wouldn’t mind being a wee bit thinner but I think if I looked like skin and bones I’d be a little self concious. But they make themselves that way. They don’t eat. I don’t understand how someone can not eat. I love eating. Anyways. I suppose my concluding question is, do guys actually find that attractive or is it some self satisfying disorder?
It was hot as balls today!! Completely unexpected. When the weather is like this I feel like school is suffocating me. I just want to go to the park and lay out with friends. Especially now that I am a senior. Everything that I am doing seems so pointless. I don’t even see the point of going to school. I go anyways but I have been pretty lazy with my homework. I took my math and chemistry over to Caleb and Daniels though. I put a good dent in it. Me and Daniel have gotten so much done! I’ve written like, 8 songs in the past 3 months I think. I started a new one that Daniel really likes but I haven’t finished the lyrics yet. I only have two verses right now. I am just really excited for the show on the 17th. I have never played for a paying audiance so it’s kind of nervewracking. But I think this time will be better then the last (Cedric’s benefit show) because I’m going to know mostly everyone in the room and I might have a glass of wine before I play just to loosen up. I just get so nervous. For loving the performing arts, I really have the wrong demeaner and mindset for it. ha.
AND JUSTIN. If you are reading this, Daniel and I are going to kick your ass. We could have recorded tonight but you “gooked out” according to him. And you can play with Tiger Boy on May 17th right? You better or we’re screwed.
I just got off of work. Every time I come home the house is empty. I wonder how that’s psychologically affecting me. Am I going to want to always come home to an empty house? Or am I instead going to always crave company. Probably the first one. (haha).
I think my dog is dieing. It makes me really sad because I’ve had her ever since I was in kindergarden. She’s fat and cute and perfect and I don’t want to see her go.
I hope I’ll be able to muster tears when she does. I think that’d be appropriate.
Even when I am really sad I don’t cry. It’s really strange. Especially because I am girl. I’ll feel pain in my chest and won’t want to eat and the works. But it is a very rare occasion that I cry. Whenever I do though, I feel so much better. It seems ceremonial of pain. A right of passage in a way. You are expelling your pain through tears and mucus and pitiful noises. Maybe if I cry more I’ll be more focused.
I’ve been feeling very pathetic lately. I’ve been feeling like all of the relationships I have formed are dangling on a string. I don’t want to burden anyone with my presence. How are you to know when people are getting sick of you? I probably wouldn’t want to spend time with me.
I hate how some people can just see through you. Even though you keep the dark stuff in the dark places they can still see it. They have some sort of light. A friend of mine told me I was lonely and it hit me like a ton of cinder blocks. How did he know? What did I do that made him think that about me.
I guess everyone can see that I’m being made a fool of by a boy. My heart gained control of my head. But I’m trying to end that for good. Why is it that sometimes you want the very thing that is destroying you?
I need to learn to be content with being solitary. It’s how we begin, and it’s how we end. We might as well be at peace with it somewhere in the middle.